I have been called "talkative" many times in my life... but I no see that as a bad or shameful thing

Yesterday I posted on my Instagram, and I think a few other places, three random facts about me. One of these facts, which felt kind at one time would have felt very triggering to write down, but is very alive in my healing right now, was that “…I am equally skilled at talking as I am listening (I have been known to go on a rant or two :P).” In response someone commented “I absolutely <3 your rants.” This got me thinking about, and reflecting on the healing journey I have been on, and how my relationship with my voice has been such a large part of that. When I feel safe… when I feel comfortable and at ease… I can be a very talkative person which I have carried a lot of judgements and even shame around for a very long time.

Being vocal when I was young could receive a lot of positive feedback, but for me, the negative judgements and criticisms made it hard for me to see the gift my voice truly is… it had me question it and lose confidence in it. I would hear that I was loud, obnoxious, talkative, annoying…

I remember at one point being driven to a choir recital by one of the choir directors. I’m not sure how old I was… but I don’t think I was 10 yet. I remember being in the truck, looking out the window, and happily taking in everything. I remember being so excited I had a solo. I wasn't nervous at all. I was just excited (It one of the first times in my life that I really got to perform and I loved every minute of it). And I remember talking the entire drive… When I am excited, I talk. Talking is a connection point for me (it can also be how I calm my nerves, share my excitement and joy, and and and…). As a kid I didn't really realize that other people didn't do this. Like, this is just how I showed up. When we reached out destination we went inside. The next thing I can remember, and this one comes with a strong emotional attachment, was being with a few other girls from the choir and having one of the boys run up to us and saying something about how I had talked the whole way there… he had over heard the choir director telling his Mom this and then relayed it in… what I remember being… a very consenting and judgemental tone. Like it was something I shouldn’t have done. Now I can see it his judgement of what he had hear… and that as an adult it might be a lot to have a kid talk for over an hour straight. But I took it as a judgment, as something wrong with me… and had created a story that it meant the choir director was annoyed at me and didn’t like me. I remember it shutting me down and placing this idea in my head that people wouldn’t like me if I talked to much. The funny thing for me now, looking back, is that I have used my voice MANY times over the years. Yes, it took a bit longer because I had to feel safe to do so, but when I did, that talkative kid was still there waiting for me. And many times when that kid would come out I would have people commenting on how they loved listening to me, they found value in what I had to say, and found what I had to say interesting.

I've had several people say “I love your brain” and they thought the way I connected things was brilliant. I never fully heard this or understood it… to me it's normal… and something that could make people made at me or dislike me. But as I heal, that fear of others judgements has started melting away, and the love from those around me has become louder and louder. When I'm on one of my “rants”… when I'm talking and sharing this way, quite often I feel like I'm babbling to a point. To me I am just being me. In being me, I now know that to be enough… but that hurt kid truly feared it wasn’t because my voice… what I had to say didn’t seem special to me. I truly thought everyone else must see what I am seeing, and think the way I do, so me sharing it wasn’t actually helpful in any way. How wrong I was. In every space that I have, and continue to use my voice, every space that I did talk up and share, I was valued for it WAY more than I was judged for it. A huge piece of me is my voice. I am a singer. I have started writing music again. I've recently written a children's book which I'm now working on getting published. I am a facilitator. I am a coach. I am many things where my ability to observe and use my voice to share what I am seeing and build connections for others is my most valuable asset… I shine because of my voice.

I wanted to share this story and this insight because I think so often whatever our gift is, the thing that we really have to share with the world can seem so normal to us that we don't even recognize it as our gift. And because we don’t see it as anything special when others judgements, criticisms, and jealousy show up, we quickly build stories around how the gift is actually a burden… something in us that needs to be fixed. I am not angry at that choir direct or that kid. That was only one experience I had that added to my story about my voice being a negative. I know I created that story to protect myself… I was a human being having a very human experience. Humans are communal creatures and because of this we have a very natural need to fit in… to be accepted. This historically has meant survival as there was safety in numbers. But this doesn’t always serve us in the same way it once did.

As you grow and step into who you are, you may or may not lose some people. But you absolutely will gain richer relationships. Some may be with people already in your life. Others may be with people who haven’t entered your world yet. But either way you will heal the most important relationship in your life… the one you have with yourself.

That comment on my IG post… the one that said “I absolutely <3 your rants” was another reminder to me that my voice has value, that what I have to say has value, and other people appreciate it. It was also a moment where I recognized how far I have come. Yes, it was wonderful to see that comment and receive that comment made with love… but even if no one comment on it I love my voice. I love me. It is from that foundation of love that I will continue to show up and share my voice. Yes, sharing my voice can be scary and feel incredibly vulnerable. But I love my voice… I am not ashamed of it… and I am done minimizing, muting, and hiding it… I am done making my voice and myself small.

My hope is, by claiming this and sharing my voice… my gift… that I am a living invitation for others to do the same. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a deeply loving relationship with yourself. Why? Because you are a perfectly imperfect human being. <3

P.S. Never forget, you are magic!